19 August 2008

So how does one write about themselves? From my perspective, from where it's at. All the things you think you hide, and the things you take pride in.
I am a 33 year old mom of 2. That's me in the short of it all. I take the most pride in my kids. When they do great, and when they don't. It's who they are, their smiles, their tears, their hugs, their kisses, their triumphs and their failures. Each step being that much closer to who they will one day be. Knowing that the most painful moments will be with them the longest and have the strongest impact. Having the courage to allow each moment and to not lay over them and try to protect them from growing.
I know life is precious and it can be gone before we have the chance to go back and fix each mistake so I try to let things go and move on.
I have made many mistakes. I continue to look for the positive in things. I know sometimes that I am making a mistake and still try to go for it with all I have. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and sometimes it is the best thing that I could have done. It's still worth it... that risk. What would I take back and do over again? NOTHING. It is what it is. Sometimes though, I keep going even when I know better and have exhausted it to the point that there is nothing left!
My first marriage... I wish I had tried harder because I was so young and I really wanted this ideal picture of a family.l Trying to find what I had never had. I wanted someone to really try for me. I wanted to feel worth it. Not sure what I put into that relationship, but I know it wasn't enough. So, moving on there was the second marriage. I had figured out by that time that I hadn't put enough into the first one and was ready for the long fight. Until it started to effect my babies. When your little girl is trying to take care of you, and you wonder what your Little boy will get out of it... it's best to go. I knew I had given up, and at the same time knew that it was worth it.
The positive to all of that is that I took time to try to figure out who I am. Every time I think I've grown, I find out there is more growing to do. Each time I think I have figured it out, it gets more complicated and challenging.
I know I have a purpose... not sure what that is just yet, but for some reason God has trusted me with the care and keeping of these beautiful children and I have to do better than I know how to do. Sadly, sometimes I make HUGE mistakes and there are just somethings you can't take back. So I cry and then I move on. Hoping that forgiveness is something my children will learn. Knowing that God will forgive me. Working on forgiving myself.
When I was 16 I learned about forgiveness. I learned that it isn't something that has to be earned, and that there are times that the other person won't even know they have done something wrong. I learned that there is no kinder gift to ones own spirit than to let something go. I started by forgiving mom. I let my childhood go and grew in knowing that it was not intentional and that those were times that couldn't be taken back, changed, or erased. It helped when I was pregnant with Elijah when I talked to mom about everything. She said this to me: I can't take back that time in my life. I can't make any of you forgive me or forget. I know that I made mistakes, and that I did all that I knew how to do. I know that it wasn't enough and that each one of you has to live with those mistakes that I made. I know that there is no way I can make it up to you, and that I can't make anyone forgive me. Most of all though I know that I am sorry, and I know that I have been able to forgive myself because God has forgiven me.
There were several things I got out of this conversation. 1. she knew what she had done to us and she accepted responsibility. 2. she was going to be in heaven one day. I don't know that about dad. I don't know that I will ever see him again, but I know I will see mom again and I take great strength in that. 3. that forgiveness was the best gift I could have ever given to her and myself.
I also learned from a conversation with Grandma Pestoff. she described dad's childhood as a very sad thing.; That he was never shown love from his dad. Not a hug, or a kiss or an I love you. He had never been taught it, and had never learned to give it. I suppose what I got out of that was to give one hundred percent more than what I knew how to give. To let love be the guide and to not hold on to my past but to create my own future or it would always be there holding me back.
That's what I try to do everyday. I try to smile, I try to stay strong, I try to do too much, I try to be the best mom, the best friend, the best sister and at one time the best daughter. I will never be famous, I will never be rich. I will just be me and hopefully that will leave a mark somewhere.
What I want most is a peaceful heart and a spirit that is connected to God. I want to serve His purpose. I want to do the right thing (not always the right way) and to be in the right place at the right time when He wants me to be there. I want my babies to know that I loved them with everything I had and with more than I knew how. I want them to be strong when they need to be strong, weak when they need to be weak, and confident in doing the right thing at the right time. I want to be here to watch them grow, to see their lives unfold, and long enough to say sorry when it takes me too long to figure out I need to.
I don't want to be known or remembered for my childhood or for my mistakes. I do want to be remembered for the strength I tried to show, the moments when I was at my weakest and it was all "real", and for having a happy heart.
So who am i in all of this jumbled mess? I am the daughter of the King of kings, I am a princess, I am the mommy to God's very own children, I am BLESSED.
There are so many things we DIDN'T struggle with, so many situations we DIDN'T have to go through, and the ones we DID have only made me stronger.
I love my family and my friends. I have found that there are just the right kind of people in our lives and that love does not last forever.. but it's lessons can. Knowing how it has felt to be loved has taught me that I can love with all I have and sometimes it just isn't enough. But I tried and I have to be okay with the end. Someday I will get it all right, or maybe I won't. Hopefully though it will be just the way God had it planned!

1 comment:

retha said...

You have this written out so well. Your thoughts so easy to follow and feel with you!