05 October 2007

Word of the day.

Today's word will be DISAPPOINTED.
The definition for this word is: A selfish control freak father who only worries about himself.
Little Man's daddy was supposed to be in town on the 4Th. There were many heated e-mails that went back and forth about times and days for visiting Little Man. In all of them the 4Th was mentioned. You can imagine the delight on Little Man's face yesterday morning when I told him his daddy was going to pick him up. Still groggy from sleep but laughing in pure excitement. Now imagine his face when, not daddy, but mommy shows up to get him from school. I could do little but cry with him. I knew deep down I should have never told him he was coming. I apparently didn't listen to my own heart. I did try to tell him daddy's plane was broke. I also told him I knew he was disappointed. He said "that means sad when daddy doesn't come". I couldn't have said it better.
So, it was a rough evening as it always is when Little Man is missing his daddy. There were tears at times for no reason. There was a fight to get him in his own bed after a month of sleeping on his own. There was his need to hold me the entire evening. I lay in his bed with him and we did our usual tuck in. He began to cry and asked if his daddy was going to live in Texas since he is done with Korea. I told him no that he was going to Germany now. He said he didn't like Germany. I explained that it wasn't Germany's fault that Daddy chose to go there. He said daddy makes bad choices. At bedtime he didn't want to go to his daddy's anymore. We talked a bit about things. He wanted to know if he gets to have his toys now (the ones his daddy packed up and put away rather than letting Little Man have them while he was away). I told him I didn't know. He fell asleep crying his cheek pressed against my cheek. I woke him this morning and the first thing he said is he doesn't want daddy to pick him up. Again, when time to put his shoes on came he didn't want to go he wanted to stay with mommy. I did all I could to get him excited because I know how happy he will be when he sees his daddy. My heart hurts for him. We do all we can to protect our babies from being hurt.
The same person that is so concerned about helmets on bikes, and rare brain eating diseases in the water in Arizona is the one single handily hurting him daily. The same person who claims that his selfish decisions are in the best interest of his son, is the one hurting that son daily by those very decisions. He doesn't deserve the smile on Little Man's face or hearing the word "Daddy" when Little Man sees him.

So today:
Today I feel REGRET.
Today my heart HURTS.
Because, though last night was tough, the next month is going to be tougher. We get to start all of it over again when he leaves. Little Man will be sad, and angry, and truly hard to deal with. He will be dealing with emotions he doesn't understand and I have to try to help him through it while being angry and mad and hurt too.

1 comment:

SusieJ said...

I'm sorry. Sending you light.