17 May 2007

Single Mom Sadness

That is what I will call it. This constant going, going, going. Doing everything day in and day out for these beautiful babies. Being Mom, and being Dad at the same time. Somehow knowing that someday they will know that you put every ounce of yourself into them and did it with love, and selflessly. Okay, so sometimes it is exhausting and you just want to cry. I do that, but it gets me through to the next time. And if I'm really good, the kids never even notice that I am EXHAUSTED! You might be thinking you know where this is going. Poor me, right? Nope. It doesn't sadden me to be a single mom. I am where I chose to be. I could have stayed married, I could have gotten remarried, as bad as it sounds I could get married right now. Again, I am where I choose to be. As the alternatives didn't and doesn't bring me or my children happiness. They were hard, hurtful, and extremely complicated times. They were relationships without God at the center, and they left me feeling like a victim and slowly my daughter was becoming my caregiver. She would worry about me... not the place for a sweet 9 year old to be. So, here I am. Anyway, what sadness am I talking about then?
Well, it is summer. If you are a single mom and you are unfortunate (or for some fortunate) enough to live away from the daddy, or daddy's in my case; well then you understand that summer means your babies go away. My baby girl has been going with her daddy for several years now. And though I am used to it, I never get "USED" to it. i miss my babies when they are gone from me for 2 days, let alone a month at a time! Not only is my baby girl heading out, this time, for the first time, so is my baby boy. The last time he went away, it was for a much shorter period, but one of the hardest things ever! There was no peace, I never knew where he was, and I spent most of the time wondering if he would even come back. Thing is, then he had no clue I was so worried, and he was used to seeing his daddy all the time. So, though I worried, I knew that HE was having a great time. This time though, I worry because he hasn't seen his daddy in just short of a year, and talking on the phone weekly isn't enough to "know" him. I am sure the prospect of seeing his daddy will be the excitement of his life, but I don't know how he will handle being taken out of his "world" all of a sudden and if he will think I just let him go. Sure, I am going to miss them both with every fibre in my body. I am going to cry and pout, and when I talk to them I will be the happiest person ever, except for when I actually have them again. But mostly I am sad, because I wonder if he will be okay that first week, if he will just get over it, if he will know that he is coming home, if he will be surrounded by all of those strangers and wonder where his mommy is and why she isn't there for him.
Pray for us all, I am so Blessed and thankful for my babies, I know they are good and wonderful, and I know they need this special time with their daddy's, I only pray that they will be happy, and feel both safe, and secure.


Susie said...

This has to be so hard for all of you.
You'll be in my prayers..

Uncivil said...

Wow, Rebekah
You're making me sad.
You are way stronger than I am.

My ex and I were married for 15 years. We didn't have kids. But we share joint custody of our two doggies!LOL!
She gets them one week and I get them the next.I handle it pretty well for the first couple of days they're gone, but by the end of the week I start getting pretty cranky till I get them back safe and sound!LOL
I couldn't even fathom it with children!

Spider said...

I cannot imagine what you are going through. Put your faith in God.

AVIDINHA said...

don't worry , your babies will return with a renewed appritiation for their mom and love you that much more. and i'll do my best to keep you buisy while they're gone.

Angie said...

Last year I had to put my 12 yr old on a plane for the first time to Germany for a month. She has always went to florida and he would meet me halfway until last year. It's tough before they leave, while they are gone and when they get back with all the adjustment for them and she is always so nervous before she goes. Saying prayers for all of you during this tough time. I do think it makes them appreciate us more though because they see all we do for them.

dcrmom said...

That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. I hope it goes by quickly.