12 April 2007


I truly wanted to participate in this month’s Write-Away contest that I found at Scribbit's Blogspot; as I felt as though it would be a great experience.
Though, upon starting to write, I found myself having a hard time actually “nailing” down a specific time when I experienced personal growth. I know that I have changed drastically, and I know there have been many things that have led to this. Yet being specific was proving to be the hard part! So I ended up having to really go through some of my own memories, and took a long hard look at me, at who I was then and who I am now. So, here it is for all to see! If you didn’t know, now you will (lucky you!).

Me then:
When is then you might ask? Then is before: before I realized that I was self destructing, before I realized that Love doesn’t have to hurt, before I realized that when I am hurting all of the time it is also hurting my babies, before I understood the difference between being a Christian and BEING a Christian, before I realized how strong I can be on my own, before my Mom died (because this changed so many things) and before I accepted that loving myself was more important than being loved by someone else.

The story of how she (the person Then) came to be:
I grew up the 3rd child of 4. We were not a “normal” family. We all have different dads, none which were in our lives. My baby brother and I share the same dad and he was active in my life in my teens, but never in my baby brothers. My mom was addicted to drugs all my life, and was also manic depressive, borderline schizophrenic, and a host of different things. We had different, abusive men, in and out of our lives. Are you developing a good picture here? It wasn’t pretty but it all leads to something great for me. Somehow we all survived. Our life stories are all different. They say things like this can make you or break you. They can also leave you walking right down the center, not knowing where you belong. The one in the center is me!
I could tell you all I’ve done, who I’ve married, where I have worked. Those are not the things that changed me, though they all play a part!
Instead I will tell you that I left at 18; a codependent, destined to have bad relationships, not knowing how to handle my own emotions. I was insecure, scared, and lonely. Even when surrounded by people who loved and cared for me, I continued to be lonely. I didn’t ever feel as though I belonged, anywhere. I subconsciously turned things around so that they would be my fault, I allowed myself to be in abusive relationships. I was also a strong person (though it didn’t fit with everything else!), a peacemaker, and a survivor.
Over the years, I continued to let bad things “happen” to me. I put myself in bad situations, and did it with ease! All the while giving the appearance of someone who was grown and secure. To others I have always been considered pretty, funny, and smart. As well as being outgoing, with a bit of a wild streak. Too bad I never saw myself that way!

The story of who I am:
At 16 I learned about forgiveness…forgiving others. At 28 I learned how huge that was, to forgive; when I lost my mom. I had long before forgiven her, and she too had accepted God and had forgiven herself. So when I lost her, it was with a peace and love between us. I didn’t have an AHA moment, I didn’t get it that she was gone, and that she went with a calmness, and anticipation. Now at 31 I can say that I get it. I understand! My PERSONAL GROWTH has come through a process that has taken many years, and many “situations” to develop. However, ultimately it has come to not only understanding forgiveness and being able to give it but from forgiving MYSELF. In order to forgive MYSELF, I had to love myself enough to feel as though I deserved it. I had to know MYSELF enough to know I needed it. I had to truly see the ME inside and nurture that little girl from so long ago.
I can now make a mistake, face it, deal with it, and truly move on. There are no regrets in my life, as every single thing has gotten me to this point. This beautiful place where I am someone, where I can love myself enough to not be lonely, where I can be loved and truly feel it. I deserve all the good things in life! I am a good mother, a good friend, and good sister. I am EXACTLY the person God intended for me to become.
I would not trade a second for the world and I am so looking forward to continuing this part of my life which I pray will continue to be full of PERSONAL GROWTH


scribbit said...

What an amazing life you've had. I admire the things you seem to have accomplished with such a difficult start. A touching post and I'm glad you entered! Good luck.

Spider63 said...

I enjoyed reading that. Nurturing the original you is good. The good child you were and are inside. I am not sure how it goes, but Jesus said something about being like children? I think it meant to keep that special part of your soul intact?

SusieJ said...

What an incredible journey you've had. What a beautiful person you've become.