18 January 2007

A Letter to My Mom...

I've thought about this...and about my mom a lot the last couple of days. So I have decided to write her a letter- of course I would need to fill you in a little on my mom, in order for it to make that much more sense! She was crazy...no really she was! On top of that she had 4 wild kids, abusive men in and out of our lives and an addiction to drugs she struggled with her whole adult life. She passed away at the age of 56...just 3 years ago... and aside from her many faults she was an amazing woman...of course you might think I say that just because she was my mom...but she was. She was everything crazy and quirky and she was extremely intelligent. She was also the most amazing grandmother I have ever seen...
Sure, I have needed lots of counseling, but I am an awesome person and this is all thanks to her. Without my childhood I would not be who I am, and my babies lives might be completely different! Though I do tell my daughter often that I am saving for her therapy and not her college because as I tell her "your therapy is gonna cost a lot more"!

Wow, 3 whole years have passed. I thought it would just slide by and I wouldn't notice...no such luck for me! The first year almost did. I made it the whole day and then at almost midnight I shot up in bed remembering a conversation I had had with my friend about where we go when we die and I worried that you might not be able to see me and might not be missing me as bad as I was missing you. Though that would be good for you, I wanted you to miss me as much as I missed you. I fixed it by calling Chistine...you know I can always call her and she will talk me through it and somehow say exactly what I need to hear. Last year, the second, went right by. I stopped and thought happy thoughts about you and Jami went and decorated your grave and I knew you were in a much better place. But this year, I woke up thinking about you. I thought about you all day. I started by remembering how you would get up in the early morning hours with Elizabeth (who still wakes up at like 5 a.m.) and how you would fill the mason jar with milk and chocolate and put the lid on and you would both sing the "shake shake shake" song while you would dance around and shake the jar. She still talks about that, and even about how you guys went out right after you bought the trampoline for the kids and did it on there with both of you still in your nightgowns. From there the memories just tumbled along. I thought how thankful I am to you for my love of reading. I still go through 3 or 4 books a week, and that is with the kids being busy little things! Elizabeth loves her books too and I am so grateful for your giving us that gift! I thank you for the "angel kisses" you gave to Elijah as you were leaving... it seemed like only a day or so and suddenly he had 2 little freckles (angel kisses) one on his knee and one on his neck. How sweet that he will always have that from you! He finally got his curls, but your Irish is showing in his light eyes and skin. You would love his curls. We went home this summer and Grandpa just talked about how cute he is. That is a huge thing coming from Grandpa. You would have been so happy to see everyone after you passed. You know how Grandpa wouldn't even let a black person near his house, and there he sat the night before Malcolm came home from Korea and told everyone that for too long he had let foolishness in his family and that from now on we were all family and that that was the way it would be...it was so very sweet and such a huge step for him. He even made me and Malcolm and the kids stay there. It was so wonderful!
I have loosened up! You always said I ruled my house like a drill sergeant! I know you were proud of me because you told me all of the time! Remember how you and Elizabeth would run around with Paul Simon on the radio and you would dance however she was or however she told you to? I thought you were very silly... you wouldn't believe that now I act like one of the kids and I know they will remember it forever! I have accepted and embraced the fact that they will forever remember me playing with them 20 more minutes and will not remember that there were dishes in the sink while I did so!
We have lots of your beautiful things in the house. Elijah will touch something and say "I have to be careful with this?" I will say "yes baby" and he will say "I know cause it was Grandma Linnie's". He is very proud that he is privy to this information!
I have been divorced now for 1 year...lived on my own going on 2 years. It was hard to get used to at first. Being alone... I did get used to it though and for the first time ever really faced my codependency issues (yeah- we all have those) it was hard at first, but I have the most amazing friends and they really carried me along and then they gave me a little room at a time and next thing you know, I was standing on my own. You would have been very proud. Especially considering that you struggled with that for so long and that you too had learned to live alone. I knew you knew I would make it and that you didn't worry about me as much, it was that that helped me believe I was strong enough to do it! Thank you for believing in me.
Mostly Momma, I am so grateful to you for the gift of forgiveness. How hard my life would be without it. I can think of all the things that would be weighing me down and eventually holding me back if it weren't for forgiveness. You taught me to forgive by being able to ask for it. You became my best friend and my strongest supporter, and my girlfriend! We talked for hours when I was pregnant with Elijah, do you remember? Of course you do. You told me about you, and about my dad, and about your struggles...you let me see things, and those things explained away so much hurt. Best of all...you made no excuses!
I hope I can pass that along to my children...as well as many other things I have learned from you!
Oh, I made your fudge and caramel this year. Jami gave me the recipe's. Okay so it wasn't yours...cause I didn't cook the caramel long enough (it stayed like soup-but it was really good on ice cream and tasted just like yours) and I didn't do the fudge in the right order (this was not good, didn't look it, or taste it!)...but I will have it down next time! I still have many of your recipes and people think I can cook, but i am just mimicking you! Wow if they only knew!
I suppose I will close for now.
This was silly, but I always wrote you letters, and they were funny or they were "deep" and I knew you loved them, because when you passed...they were all there tucked away with the kids art.
I love you...
Miss Rebek


Owens Family Adventures said...

That was so beautiful Bec...shoot where is that darn box of tissue when you need it?????!
love ya much my friend!

Susie said...

Hi Bekah,
I know your Mom is smiling down and able to read every word you've written. I lost my Mom in 2002 and I miss her every day of my life..